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Dear Life Coach Dallas:
My mother-in-law is a hoarder who is in denial about her problem. Frankly, I think she ignores ALL her problems in life, hoping they will go away, but of course, they don't go away.
My mother-in-law is 65 and has been divorced for the last 20some years. She raised my husband as a single mom in a mobile home. She also allowed her adult daughter and her granddaughter to live in the mobile home for a number of years.
When I met my husband, he was embarassed to have me meet his mom and see the mess she lived in. You literally had to manuever through small pathways through the clutter. There were piles of clothes, books, knickknacks, etc. She didn't even have room to sleep on her own bed.
My husband and I spent years cleaning and organizing her place. We dug through years of unopened mail, mold, rat feces, and used contraceptives. We eventually saved enough money that we were able to buy her a condo that we had remodeled and organized. We rent the condo to her and the same cost as she was spending on her mobile home.
My husband and I left the state. When we went back to see her and her condo 18 months later, it was a mess again. Piles everywhere, months of unopened mail, no organization at all. She actually refused to come home, because she thought we were going to yell at her for destroying the condo. She hid for three days, so we cut our trip short.
My husband is at the point where he wants to give up. He'd like to sell the condo and kick her out. I'm afraid she'd get into serious financial/emotional issues. We previously had to stop a foreclosure twice on her mobile home, and she was sued by her water district and sewer district for failing to pay her bills. I'm afraid the same thing will happen again. At the same time, I understand my husband's frustration - I feel like we're the parents of a teenager who has moved out on their own - always in financial trouble, not understanding why people are upset/suing, always in trouble for a dirty room.
What do you think? Kick her out or just deal with owning the messiest condo in the world?
Buried by Clutter
Dear Buried in Clutter --
Compulsive hoarding is classified as an obessive-compulsive disorder that doesn't respond well with medication as an intervention. The people who have this problem do not think a problem actually exists. It is often the family member that suffers – as in your case.
It is hard for people that compulsively hoard to get rid of anything because they feel a special interest in all of their possessions. They also have a hard time remembering where all possessions are because their domain is so extremely cluttered. Moreover, they do not like their things touched or moved.
Your mother-in-law would benefit from cognitive therapy. A therapist may wish to visit the condo to help her make decisions and think clearly about this clutter. If you mother-in-law is open to speaking with someone, then give the problem time. She may benefit from counseling. However if she is not open to speaking with someone, then you have to do what is best for your investment. If you continue to allow her to destroy the condo, you are basically just throwing a lot of money away. It may be difficult to cut her off but this is a decision that you and your husband have to make.
~Life Coach Dallas
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Dear LCD,
It seems I allow people, both personal and business relationships, to only get so close to me and then, I don't run but I do become a bit guarded or uncomfortable (within myself - not outwardly...I don't think). I feel this hinders my relationships from moving to a higher or closer level. It's like I never quite 'close the deal', so to speak (at least in business opportunities). This pattern does not run true where my children or my granddaughters are involved and a few good friends but it does apply for most others in my life. I'm a young feeling 53 and have been somewhat successful and independent, divorced for 19 years. I'm somewhat a loner and single, not by plan...but again, I never seem to allow relationships to flourish even though I have opportunities or initiation. What are your suggestions to help me open up and move forward with my life?
If this helps, I'm pretty much a perfectionist and never quite happy with myself...always waiting until the 'time is right' or I feel better about myself to get out there and explore. I used to have such 'blind' confidence and thought I could do anything, have anything and be anything if I just made my mind up to do it.
It sounds to me like you are afraid of rejection. You should be observant when this behavior happens or starts to happen. Start a journal about your past relationships. What about these people do you fear? How do you turn cold to them? How do those relationships end up? Do you still talk to them? Or do you completely distance yourself?
When you feel that you are starting to turn cold to someone, try to do the opposite. Go out on a limb…you never know what may be out there!
If you behavior continues, your fear of rejection will ultimately turn these people away – you then feel rejected. You have to stop this behavior because it is a vicious cycle. You are sabatoging your relationships. You need to really work on your self-confidence. Raising your self-confidence will enable to "give" more to others. Start small and let people in. Once you start to reveal more of yourself to others, it will be easier for you to do this in all your relationships...personal and/or professional.
Open up!
~Life Coach Dallas
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Dear LCD,
I'm 34 yrs old and have been married and divorced five times. All of my husbands except for the fourth have cheated on me. I feel like such a failure because all of my marriages have failed and I feel that I will always be alone. Every time I get involved in a relationship and reveal that I have been married five times they automatically judge me and make fun of me. I've thought about not telling the guys I get involved with but I really believe that I should be honest and open from the beginning.
Forever alone
Forever alone:
You say that you are afraid of being alone…but when you are alone you are with yourself. What is so scary about being with yourself? You need to become your own best friend. Take the time to get to know yourself and the things you really want out of your life. How does a partner fit into that? You need to raise your self-esteem. Once you do, you will begin to see dramatic changes in your life. You must also realize that just because these men have cheated on you, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. You are just making poor choices in your partners. Once you "up" your standards, you will see that you attract different men…ones that are more in touch with the things you want out of life.
Moreover, just because you are dating someone it doesn't mean that they are marriage material. Neither of you are going to change once you are married as marriage does not fix things. You need to learn to be reliant on yourself emotionally, physically, socially and spiritually. With that being said, you need to stop doing all the things you previously did in relationships. Sit down and make a list of things you want out of a relationship. The qualities you list need to be a standard that you follow and never stray from. No one is going to complete you except for you.
Next time you meet someone, don't tell them right away that you have been divorced 5 times. Tell them that you are currently divorced (there is no lie in that). There is no need to divulge this information so early. When you do, of course they are going to judge you and laugh. They do not know you or the circumstances involving these past relationships. Give the relationship some time. Once your partner understands a little more about you, they will be more understanding of your situation.
Finally before you get involved in another relationship, I think you need to do some soul searching. It would be very beneficial for you to take a break from dating altogether and really get in tune with yourself. Take a walk…reflect on those failed relationships…gain confidence and don't make the same mistakes twice. If you don't change, you will inevitably continue this disastrous cycle of failed relationships.
Good Luck,
Life Coach Dallas
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Dear LCD,
I'm a single parent and have a hard time dating. My son is now eleven years old. I would love to go out on dates but I just don't have anyone to babysit. I just recently moved away from my family and friends and haven't found anyone that I can trust to babysit my son. I've went out a few times and brought my son with me but they haven't worked out and I don't want to put my son through this.
Desperate single mom
Desperate single mom:
I can sympathize with you in your current situation. It is very hard to maintain a personal life when you are a single parent. It is especially hard when you are in a new area and don't have a family support system to give you a much needed break every once in a while. It would be best that your child didn't meet the men you date unless they are someone that you may have a long standing relationship (normally 6 months). It is confusing for children no matter their age if you introduce your partner too soon. You may also run the risk of your child getting attached. If the relationship doesn't work out your child could experience significant loss. Children need time to adjust. Gradually introduce your new partner to your child.
If there are times when you want to go out on dates, call a professional nanny service and ask about after hours care. If your church has a single parent support group, ask if they have a babysitter list. If not, ask to help create one so that others can benefit!
Happy Dating,
Life Coach Dallas
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Dear LCD,
My ex-husband and I have been divorced now for over five years. We have a son that is now eleven and he adores his father. His father just recently retired from the Air Force and moved backed to the states. He now lives in Colorado and we live in Mississippi. My son has recently asked to live with his father in Colorado but I can't stand the thought of letting him go. He and his father have always been close and his father is good to him. However, my son would be so far away from me that I don't know if I could stand it. If I don't let him go I fear that my son will resent me for not letting him go. I love him so much and I just want to do the right thing for him. What do I do?
Desperate mother
Desperate mother:
Mothers and fathers are unique in their own ways. There are certain things that a mother can give a child that a father cannot and vice versa.
If the father can adequately provide enough attention, support, protection, guidance, and a safe environment then there should be no reason why you should deny your child's request. No matter what you do, don't ignore the request. You should give it thoughtful consideration out of respect to your child. You cannot allow personal emotions to get in the way with your child building a relationship with the other parent. If you do let these emotions control your decisions, it will not go unnoticed and it will ultimately take its toll no one else but your child. I know that it is a very hard decision to make. No matter your decisions just keep the best interest of your child at heart.
~Life Coach Dallas
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My wife lost her job over three months ago. She has become depressed and doesn't have the drive to get back out in the market and look for something else. How do I convince or support her to get back out there without making her feel like I'm forcing her to do something she really doesn't want to do anymore?
Caring husband
Caring husband,
Work is often a significant source of an individual's self worth and self esteem. For the majority of us, our career defines who we are. The shift in our daily routine, from having a job with a routine schedule to being unemployed with no schedule, can be very overwhelming. This can work against us when we need to be out looking for more work.
If you are having no luck at getting your wife back out in the job market, take a different approach. Encourage her to set a daily routine for herself. When you get up in the morning for work, ask her to get up with you and have breakfast. Invite her to meet you for lunch several times a week (if money is an issue, have her prepare something from home and bring to you)…this causes her to have to get up and get dressed for a public appearance. If she doesn't already have a gym membership, go together and get one. Encourage her to take yoga or aerobic classes in the mornings or afternoons. Call her friends and rally them for support. Have them meet her for lunch or a day at the park. It doesn't matter the event, just get her on a schedule. This will help her get up and get out of the house.
If none of these attempts work, she may need to seek professional help. Depression is a serious medical attention that affects the mind and body and is not to be taken lightly.
Good luck,
Life Coach Dallas
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Hello Life Coach Dallas,
I am dating someone who is 8 years younger than me. I am concerned that our age difference may, down the road, lead to complications. What is your advice regarding older women and younger men dating?
Older woman
Older Woman:
Women tend to date younger men because of their spontaneity while the younger men enjoy the sophistication of the older lady. Since older women are more financially stable, they are not looking for a man to take care of them. This gives older women a wider variety of men to choose from; including younger men.
Making a relationship work with age differences can be difficult at times. You must make sure that you are with a person who enjoys similar activities as you. If one enjoys going out to dinner or to clubs, then the other needs to as well. If one is going out and having fun without the other it can create problems or cause strain on the relationship. Lifestyles need to be balanced. The biggest reasons that a relationship with age differences doesn't work is maturity and life experiences.
Make sure you both want the same things in the near future…and realize that in five years you will both be in very different places in your life. You may be ready for a family whereas he is just making his way up the corporate ladder and doesn't necessarily have time for the family burden. Men and women both need time to grow. We are constantly changing and wanting new things out of life. As long as you keep communication open, you should have no problems regardless if the relationship works out or not. Enjoy your time together and let your love grow!
~Life Coach Dallas
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I used to work with this girl who I started to like, but she was going through a divorce and I was married, so I didn't pursue any type of relationship with her because I didn't want to add to her situation let alone complicate things in my own life. She didn't know I had feelings for her, and she eventually left the company, went back home, and started a new life, with a new job. Anyway, I thought she was beautiful, smart, and she even had a child, and I know she was a great mother from our talks. This is the kind of woman I could see spending the rest of my life with.
We've kept in touch here and there via e-mails. But I still don't have the courage to tell her how I feel. Please help me! Life is too short, and I believe I'm in Love with her. Should I tell her, and let life take its course, or should I let her go...never know
what could have been?
You did the right thing by not pursuing the relationship with this girl. It shows that you care for her enough that you don’t want to burden her with anymore added drama. You also did yourself a favor by not pursuing the relationship since you were still married. If you still have feelings for this person that have continued over your time apart AND you are not still married then you should always follow your heart and at least put the offer out there. At least let your feelings be known. But you must go into this knowing that you are both in very different places in your lives.
Good luck!
~Life Coach Dallas
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I am a stay at home mom of a 17 month old little boy. He is wonderful, but staying home is a hard job. My husband works very hard so that we can have a house, food, etc. My frustration arises when I am trying to correct a behavior, and my husband jumps in and either tells me what he is doing is ok, or that we should handle it another way. I know that parenting is a partnership, but I am with him 24/7 and feel like he shouldn't undermine me in front of our son, no matter how young he is.
Dear stay at home mom:
You’re right. Neither of you should never be undermined in front of your child. You and your husband need to sit down and have a serious talk. You both need to come together and agree on rules and expectations for your son. If necessary, make a list of things that you both have agreed upon. I know it may seem useless….but it will help you stick with it and hold yourself accountable. Being inconsistent can confuse the child and give him a very powerful bargaining tool. You don’t want to start the pattern of “if mom tells me no, then I will go ask dad.” I know your son is a little young for that at this point, but it can quickly turn into this situation. Keep the lines of communication open and talk about ever issue in your family life. Make your husband very aware of your child’s progress and coach him on things that your son is doing good or bad. If he knows what is going on, he may react differently. Your child will benefit greatly from seeing both parents working as a team.
~Life Coach Dallas
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Tons of my student’s parents have issues with the cheese (Heroin and Tylenol) problem. I remember clearly one of the meetings I had with one of them and he stated that he had no way of making him stop. He said he tried talking to him, try hitting him, and had no clue of what to do as he still was disobeying and running around with the wrong crowd.
Addiction does not discriminate against race, color, age or sex. These children who are using cheese need treatment for their addiction. Sometimes discipline isn’t enough to stop a child from using drugs. They are just like any other addict. They will seek the drug out no matter what the consequences. Addicts are not in control. It may sound alarming to hear that children can become full blown addicts, but it is happening every day in Dallas schools. Cheese is very cheap at about $2 a hit. This makes it easily attainable.
Parents and teachers need to be very observant of teens. Noticing and reporting strange behavior may help save a life.
~Life Coach Dallas
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It is hard to explain to my husband that sometimes there are things that I have to do after hours because of a client deliverable. He never understands the reasoning. When he leaves work, he leaves all of the stress behind. When I leave the office, I am already thinking about my tasks for the following day. The advice I have received before simply said to leave work at the office, but I am having a hard time doing that. How to balance family & work?
Dear hard working mom,
Juggling work and family has never been an easy task. It’s a balancing act that is very difficult. Prioritize what things must be taken care of now and what can wait until tomorrow. What things can be combined to make life easier?
You and your husband have different opinions about work and that is okay. You both need to understand that neither of you are the same in this aspect so you should work around this obstacle. Another words, agree to disagree and move past it. It may be hard to set a schedule for family time but you can commit to at least few nights a week…whichever works best for both of your schedules. The most important thing for you both is to communicate about your upcoming schedules and your feelings about them. You both must put family first but also realize that your careers pay the bills.
~Life Coach Dallas
